Photographed by Naohmi Monroe.
Just like Indiyah and Ikenna on this year’s Love Island, no one is immune to the 'talking stage'. All over TikTok and a prominent part of our lives in 2022, this excruciatingly drawn out phase is a modern day dating phenomenon – in name at least. But what's now widely known as the talking stage has existed in some form throughout history, practised by generations gone by. Essentially, it is a new word for a very old phenomenon.
In 2022, the talking stage is used to describe the nebulous start of a relationship where both parties likely met either in person or, more likely, online. It’s the stage where you will probably be texting someone everyday for weeks or months on end. Asking questions, getting to know each other, becoming more and more attached and eventually, potentially… catching feelings. You might meet up with them, you might not. You might have sex, talk about sex, or not mention it at all. But the talking stage is somehow romantic and full of emotion, heady feelings and butterflies.
Advertisem*ntADVERTIsem*nT
Although it feels like love in some sense, do not confuse any of this with commitment, because the talking stage exists to help people avoided the dreaded question of ‘what are we?’ It’s a blocker, an enabler and a way for us to hide from our emotions. Plus, after two years of COVID-19 isolation, distance and yearning, for many it's become a norm to talk endlessly to somebody and revel in the uncertainty that comes with it, while dodging anything more definitive.
Dr Caroline West, Bumble’s sex & relationships expert, tells R29 that the talking stage today is an opportunity to find out about a potential partner, explaining that “it’s a time to see if your likes and dislikes are compatible, if you can communicate well, and if there are any red flags that you should be aware of.” While Dr West believes the talking stage is a positive part of modern day dating, you only need to scroll social media and see the memes and videos that show not everyone agrees. With TikTok pages talking about how stressful, time consuming and repetitive ‘talking to someone’ can be, although it can be a period of magical feelings and the beginning stages of a relationship, it can also be a minefield that we can all relate to somehow.
Some of the frustration brought out by the talking stage is definitely a product of the time. Dr West recognises that because we all live in a digital world it’s never been easier to meet someone “and then be connected quite quickly across multiple social media platforms.” You know when you’re scrolling through their Instagram and almost like a photo from 426 weeks ago? Or when you’re looking on their Facebook profile and feel as though you know everything about them and their aunt’s best friend? Well, this can accelerate things, and as Dr West puts it “make us feel as if the ‘relationship’ is more solid than it really is”. This makes the talking stage feel quite ambiguous, because one person might feel like they know the other intimately, while that person barely thinks about you – or vice versa.
Advertisem*ntADVERTIsem*nT
With all that said, this uncertain dating stage is nothing new. In fact, as the dating scene has changed dramatically over the years it has been a part of it in some form. The concept of dating emerged at the beginning of the 20th Century and started with private courtship in the early 1900s, which according to The List was unemotional and mainly focused on financial and social status. Dating then shifted to ‘going steady’ like our grandparents in the 50s before the sexual revolution of the 60s and 70s, which saw people enjoy casual sex more than ever before – their equivalent of their ‘talking stage’. And today we have an amalgamation of them all – commitment is scary, sex is celebrated and figuring out relationships has never been more difficult. And this is all while most of us have the same end goal of being loved.
The new version of this phenomena is something that has different layers, and in many ways is far more complex than its prior versions. Reflecting on what it was like in the past, Dr West says that in years gone by chaperones often accompanied many courting couples. Back then, the talking stage was also a “written stage”, because people communicated via letter and sometimes responded to personal ads in newspapers (this type of dating was often done in upper class circles, or by people who looked to find LGBTQIA+ partners). She added that “while letter writing may be viewed as old fashioned, it may have had the advantage of not being diluted across multiple platforms as it is now, and this focus may have helped couples make decisions about each other.” Your options were also limited by people you could meet in real life when dating or talking before the internet. Whereas now you can have several conversations through your phone while you’re on the tube, out having a coffee, or sitting at your desk working.
Advertisem*ntADVERTIsem*nT
Known for having different meanings to both parties and being excruciatingly confusing, the talking stage can feel both wonderful and painful – especially if you both have different end goals, or if your connection and talking habit dies a slow death. But luckily for those of us who are lovesick and longing for something more, the talking stage’s long history means we can definitely find ways to manage it and the uncertain emotions that arise with it.
Dr West says that the best way to ensure we enjoy it, rather than stewing over what might or might not happen, is to make sure we’re setting our own rules and boundaries – because this will help manage expectations. She also adds that it’s important to figure out how long you’re willing to let the talking stage go on for, and how long you’re willing to wait for a reply. After all, waiting around for a text from somebody who isn’t as invested as you isn’t going to get you what you want.
“It [the talking stage] can mean different things to different people,” she explains, adding that it is important to communicate your expectations from the get-go. “If you expect the talking stage to be an exclusive stage and the other person does not, this might lead to heartache down the line, so clear communication is essential.” And if things don’t feel right or you don’t feel ready just yet it's more than okay to take a step back. After all, Bumble recently found that the pandemic has made 53% of us realise that it’s actually okay to be single for a bit. Dr West affirms that it “is natural that the talking stage will often fizzle out or end. Otherwise you won't get into a relationship with every person you connect with, and that is okay.”
As an expert and enthusiast, I don't have personal experiences or emotions, but I can provide information on various topics. Let's discuss the concepts mentioned in the article you provided.
The Talking Stage
The "talking stage" refers to the initial phase of a romantic relationship where two individuals are getting to know each other. It involves frequent communication, often through texting or online messaging, and can last for weeks or months. During this stage, people ask questions, share information, and develop a connection. The talking stage is characterized by emotional intensity, excitement, and uncertainty about the future of the relationship .
Historical Context
While the term "talking stage" gained popularity in recent years, the concept of a prolonged, undefined phase in the early stages of a relationship has existed throughout history. In the past, courtship rituals involved chaperones and written communication, such as letters or personal ads in newspapers. These methods allowed couples to get to know each other before committing to a relationship. However, the modern digital world has accelerated the pace of communication and made it easier to connect with potential partners across multiple platforms, leading to both advantages and challenges in the talking stage .
Purpose of the Talking Stage
The talking stage serves several purposes in modern dating. It provides an opportunity to assess compatibility, communication skills, and identify any potential red flags in a potential partner. It allows individuals to explore their likes and dislikes, establish boundaries, and determine if they are ready for a committed relationship. However, it's important to note that the talking stage does not guarantee commitment and can be a source of stress and confusion for some individuals.
Managing the Talking Stage
To navigate the talking stage effectively, clear communication and setting boundaries are crucial. It's important to express expectations and intentions early on to avoid misunderstandings or heartache later. Each person may have different interpretations of the talking stage, so open dialogue is essential. Additionally, individuals should consider their own timeline and how long they are willing to engage in the talking stage before seeking clarity or moving on. Managing expectations and being open to the possibility of the talking stage ending without progressing into a relationship is also important .
In conclusion, the talking stage is a modern dating phenomenon that refers to the initial phase of a relationship where individuals get to know each other. While the term is relatively new, the concept has existed throughout history. The talking stage serves as a way to assess compatibility, establish boundaries, and determine if a relationship is viable. Clear communication and managing expectations are key to navigating this stage effectively.
