I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Parking_Breadfruit80
Originally posted to r/AITAH
Aita for refusing to have my dad in my life after he chose his new family?
Editor’s Note: changed letters to names for readability
Thanks to u/queenlegolas and u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for suggesting this BoRU
Trigger Warnings: verbal abuse, emotional abuse and manipulation, infidelity, gaslighting, betrayal
Original Post (rareddit): April 20, 2024
When I was 13 my dad had an affair and left my mom and moved in with his affair partner who ill call Jane.
At first me and my sister would visit every weekend and I will admit he was a good dad although I never liked Jane.
When Jane got pregnant and had their son our visits became less frequent and my dad was more concerned with his new family. He would miss some of my my recitals or my sisters competitions because he was busy with his son.
When I was 16. Jane decided she wanted to move for a new job opportunity. Me and my sister begged him not to leave us bit he just said "I need to prioritise my family". He moved 10 hours away. That pretty much ended our relationship and I decided to go no contact as it was clear he did not consider me family.
My younger sister stayed in contact with him. He would try and call me and offer for me to come and visit with my sister but I refused. When he came back to see my sister I would refuse to speak to him when he turned up at the house. I didn't invite him to my high school or college graduation.
I'm now 33 and have remained no contact with him, he has over the years repeatedly tried contacting me and getting his family to contact me on his behalf to reconcile. I have avoided family events in case he attended including my sisters wedding and baby showers.
My dad and his family moved back to our home town 3 months ago and he has been relentless trying to reconcile.
I have received messages from my half brother and sister wanting a relationship saying he's a great dad. My dad found out I'm getting married and keeps trying to contact me and has even tried to speak to my fiance.
Jane messaged me saying I have broke my dads heart repeatedly and I'm pathetic and should get therapy. I replied back that she was nothing but a home wrecking whor* and then blocked her.
Everyone seems to be wanting me to let him back in my life. I'm sick of all the harassment and accidentally bumping into my dad and his family in the town. Whenever I see him I just walk away and refuse to speak to them. Everyone is saying he's a good dad and tried his best to remain in contact but I pushed him away.
Everyone is pressuring me my mom, sister. Grandparents aunts and uncles, even some of my friends. My fiance has even started saying I'm the AH for shutting him out. Its all starting to get to me so am I aita?
Edit:
Thank you for your comments I haven't got through all of them but I'm glad to know that most of you think I'm NTA which is a huge relief as I thought I was going insane.
I'm going to have a serious conversation with my fiance as most of you pointed out he should have my back. If he continues to defend my dad then I'm going to have to think if this relationship should go any further. We are 12 weeks out from the wedding but need to sort this out sooner than later.
For information
I own a local business moving away is not an option
I live in a small town where everyone knows everyone and he is friends with a lot of people including my fiance family.
My dad did not come back for me - he came back because Jane’s parents need help and care.
He has not financially supported me since I was 17 he witheld my college fund to try and blackmail me into having a relationship with him so I had to work and get loans.
I've avoided events because my family use it as a chance to force reconciliation. He also won't leave me alone and makes scenes - hell come up to me talking as if nothing has happened try to hug me or starts crying.
I cant simply cut everyone off - everyone is on his side and against me including my own mother.
Edit 2
To give you all a bit more context when he left my mom for Jane he only wanted us on the weekend my mom offered him 50/50 but refused.
I didn't like Jane and was standoffish with her because I knew what they had done- my sister was too young to understand and was more accepting of her. Jane was mean to me but nice to my sister when I was at my dad's I felt uncomfortable and she would purposefully leave me out of fun activities or plan things purely for my sister. We had a few arguments over minor things but my dad always took her side. My dad and me used to have daddy daughter date at least once every 2 weeks. Jane put a stop to that.
When she had my half brother we went from going every weekend to once every 6 weeks. My dad was MIA and had finally gotten his precious son. He stopped trying with me.
When they moved I was so upset he chose to leave us. He didn't want custody just for us to visit him every now and again and speak to him on the phone. Parenting at a distance so all of his focus was on his new family
When I graduated from high school and refused to invite him everything blew up Jane called me some terrible names and so did my dad and he refused to give me my college fund unless i started being part of the family again. From what I gathered, he spent it on his new family.
I'm sick of being the one to miss out on events with my family. I would be willing to be in the same room but not interact or even be civil but he pushes things and makes it impossible
Edit 3
Have spoken to my fiance. Update will be posted shortly
AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA
Zestyclose-Sky-1921: NTA but this is going to be brutal if your fiancé doesn't get on board with your pirate ship. Depending on the size of your hometown and how serious he is about pushing this, you may need to consider moving, especially if everyone around you is involved.
OOP: I love my fiance, but he's a family orientated type of guy he's close with his family so doesn't understand my situation. It's not helping that everyone around us is advocating for my dad and making me out to be unreasonable.
Corodix: NTA, I'd send them all a clear message that you do not consider him family after he quite clearly told you, when you were 16, that you are not family (are they currently aware of this?). And also make it clear that you will start cutting them out of your life if they do not stop harassing you about this. Perhaps just throw them all in a group chat for this so you can send it once to everybody?
Your fiance siding with them instead of respecting your pretty clear boundary is worrying and would make me reconsider the marriage if he doesn't cut it out fast as that's a massive red flag that doesn't bode well for your future with him.
OOP: I cant cut every single person from my life and thats the reality I'm facing here. Everyone seems to think I'm the AH and I should just reconnect. This is really getting to me.
OOP on staying away from the father and his family and blocking Jane
OOP: I've tried my best to stay away from him and his family but with it being a small town its impossible to avoid them. Some of the times I've bumped into him seemed a bit too coincidental and feel like it was a set up.
I have blocked Jane can't stand the woman she was always mean to me even when I was a child because I was standoffish. My sister is 5 years younger and was more accepting of her so my sister and Jane have a good relationship.
Update #1 (rareddit): April 20, 2024 (10 hours later)
Thank you for all of the comments although most seem to be NTA some were YTA. Some of you gave helpful suggestions which I am planning to take on board.
I have just spoken to my fiance and unfortunately it has not gone well but at this point in time I've had enough and want to runaway and never come back.
My fiance knows my history with my dad and Jane. I explained to him that him siding with my father and pressuring me was hurting me and as my fiance he should be supporting me.
My fiance who I'll call Logan told me he can't support me in doing something that he knows is wrong. Logan told me that he had spoke to my father and had an understanding of both sides of the story and believes that if we both sit down and talk we can sort this out and reconcile.
I told Logan I don't want this and want no contact and asked why he is even speaking to my father. Logan admitted his father who is friends with my dad encouraged Logan to speak to him and hear him out.
Logan told me my dad loved me very much and always wanted to be in my life and has pictures of me (I'm guessing he got these from my family as my social media is set to private). Logan said my dad is heartbroken at the state of our relationship because I was being unreasonable about him moving away when I was young. Logan stated I got on the wrong foot with Jane and that I was not innocent in the breakdown of the relationship.He told me that everyone can see the truth but me and to look in the mirror because I'm the problem.
Needless to say I broke down crying and asked him why he was doing this to me and not supporting me. Logan claims to love me but won't stand by and watch me be "a heartless bitch".
After he said this I stood up told him that he shouldn't marry a heartless bitch and walked out. I'm currently sat in my car. My phone is blowing up with Logan trying to contact me but I dont want to speak to him. I feel like I'm losing everything and everyone i dont understand what is happening.
Relevant Comments
HealthfulDrago: Did your fiance have specific arguments? Anything that would shed more light into his line of thinking? It just feels so odd to me that he would just side so heavily with your father.
OOP: Basically I was standoffish and mean to Jane on meeting her which put us on the wrong foot. When she has been mean to me I've retaliated and said mean things back to her.
That my dad has tried consistently over the years to reconnect with me but I have ignored all attempts.
I've upset family members by refusing to attend birthdays, wedding baby showers etc because he was attending.
I walked out of his parents party 3 weeks ago because my dad was there.
I won't speak and will ignore my half brother 18 and half sister 14 if I see them.
Update #2 (rareddit): April 21, 2024
Hi everyone thanks for the comments and letting me sound off on you as I desperately need an outside perspective.
I know a lot of you are telling me to cut all contact with my family and leave town. That is not an option for me financially and I would not be able to set up business elsewhere all my money is invested in it and I have only managed to get established recently with steady income, relocating is not an option for me. I love my friends and family and don't want to cut everyone off, I love my hometown I grew up here this is my life and I'm not willing to walk away from it.
I didn't expect to write another update this fast but a lot has happened today.
So firstly I agreed to meet my dad to talk and try and get him to back off and leave me alone. I asked my mom to arrange it, just him no one else. I wasn't sure if he would agree to that but within 15 minutes of her calling he was at the door.
I asked my mom to stay and mediate. To summarize the conversation. These are a bit messed up because it's a lot to remember.
Me:* I asked him to give me space and stop trying to get everyone on his side and let me live my life.
I told him he stopped being my father when he moved 10 hrs away
I told him Jane was mean to me and told him about all the horrible things she has said to me over the years.
I hate how he chose Jane and his new family over me and how he told me he had to prioritise them and how he basically told me I wasn't family
He was an AH for withholding my college fund and trying to blackmail me and then spending it on his new family
I hate how I have missed major family events because he attended the events and would make them awkward.
I don't see his son and daughter as my family and I'm sick of them trying to speak to me and approach me
he keeps making scenes every time he sees me and making me look the bad guy
he keeps inserting himself into my life going to my fiances family events, going behind my back to talk and sway Logan to his side
I hate how he cheated on my mom and broke our family up and then listened to Jane who stopped our dates, missed my recitals, reduced contact and was more concerned about his son.
Him
He loves me and always has he is never going to give up trying to reconnect and he has given me enough space over the years and he is done hearing about my life from 2nd hand knowledge and is not willing to miss any more if it.
he loves Jane and and can't regret his past because he wouldn't have her or his 2 kids. He wishes he had done it differently and ended his marriage with my mom first.
*his kids are innocent and I shouldn't be taking it out on them they just want to know their big sister
I was difficult child who was rude and disrespectful to Jane breaking her belongings, calling her names, ruining day trips.
when Jane got pregnant she was high risk and me coming every week and starting arguments was stressing her out so for her and his sons sake he stopped the weekend visitation. He still spoke to us on the phone and took us out for dinner and days out but just didn't let us sleep over.
when his son was born he was premature and had health complications which meant him staying in hospital for weeks and frequent hospital admissions. Jane was also going through PPD so he wasn't able to see us as much and had to miss some events when he was taking care of Jane and his son.
Jane was unable to get a job locally and the opportunity was too good to pass up so they had to move. He pointed out that he came back to town for weekends as much as he could to see us and would always invite us to fly out and spend vacations with him. He phoned everyday but I refused to speak or see him.
They had flown in for my graduation but I refused to invite him amd he lost his temper and refused to give me my college fund. He apologised for this and tried to fix this a few weeks later and give me the money but I refused it. He has not spent the money he still has it and I have only to ask and I can have it.
he had visited me at my college to try and talk to me but I refused to see him.
He is not going to miss family events
he makes a scene because he misses me and just wants to talk to me and reconcile but I always end up running way or shouting insults at him and Jane.
He has been trying for 16years to reconnect but I shut him down at every turn he just wants to be my dad.
He is old friends with my fiance dad and he hoped my fiance could talk some sense into me and open a line of communication.
he feels I never gave Jane a chance no matter how she tried in the beginning and hoped we could be civil. Jane hates knowing I talk bad about her, am mean to her children and won't speak to him.
He wants:My dad is in therapy and wants me to join him for family sessions.He wants me to spend time with him 1-1To stop being rude and mean to his children and spend time with them.Stop trash talking Jane to everyone and actually give her a chanceInvite for him and my family to my wedding and to walk me down the aisle.
I want:Him to stop talking to my friends and getting others to try and talk to me on his behalfKeep Jane away from me completelyTo be be civil at events or in town providing he does not try and hug me or talk to me.
My mom told him he was being unrealistic with some of the things he wants especially regarding Jane and his other children so we have agreed for now.
I will attend 3 therapy sessions with him when he arranges it. (my mom thinks I need individual therapy as well)He will stop trying to interfere in my life and relationshipsHe will keep Jane away from me and talk to his kids to give me space.I will be civil to him in public as long as he respects my personal space and does not approach or pressure me.
As for my fiance - I still havent spoken to him, he turned up at my moms but she refused to let him in. He keeps blowing up my phone and so does his family and friends telling me to hear him out.
During my conversation with my dad I found out my dad has paid for most of the vendors and services for my upcoming wedding and they have been on speaking terms for quite some time ( longer than I thought). Logan told me his family had paid for these and i believed him. I feel betrayed by him and that I can't trust him. I'm going to have to speak to him eventually but I dont feel ready.
Relevant Comments
OOP on not liking her father’s wife
OOP: I'll admit I wasn't very nice to Jane when I met her because she broke up my family, but she was worse than me. She made comments on my weight, and my appearance would push my buttons to start a fight. She stopped my 1-1 time with my dad before she was even pregnant. My dad chose her over me everytime.
Yes he tried to stay in contact. Im not going to rewrite history but the damage was done when he moved 10 hrs away from me and told me he needed to prioritise his family.
Ok-Nose42: Thank you for update so quick and I’m happy your mom choose to help you get your side of the story out by helping you. I’m crying here reading this thinking it should been your fiance that helped you thru this but under his selfishness he dug himself deeper hole. I say cut your losses with him he never had your back he should have to his own dad she has her own life with her dad and I’m not sway her feeling. But he didn’t cut your loses in fact I tell my dad I want that money take it and then you get to leave the relationship and step yourself up before you remove yourself from the relationship. If you have to lie to do it. Fine you can admit it therapy anyways. Ask forgiveness later even though what you may do taken that money them thinking the money for marriage. Or worse get the cash deposit it walk down alter with dad and tell everyone at alter f*ck you. This is taken my life party paid by my dad. But that my evil side lol but if you want move on maybe that not best approach. But I would take the money and use it and dump fiancé.
OOP: To be honest my mom seems to have changed her mind today in regards to my fiance when she found out about his involvement with my dad.
She told me to really consider if I want to stay with him and if I can trust him and says I can move home for a while.
OOP on if she can block her father and if she can have an order on him to stay away from her
OOP: I wouldn't be able to get a restraining order against him. What am I going to do tell the police my dad is talking to people in the town and my friends about me. He is showing up to parties and events he's invited to. He's trying to talk to me when he bumps into me in town?
He is not on my social media , he is blocked on my phone other than events and meeting in town that can be chalked up to coincidence I have nothing to report
Update #3 - April 27, 2024
Update 3 - aita for not letting my dad back in my life after he chose his new family
Firstly I'd like to apologise for taking down my posts. I was really upset and felt under lot of pressure and needed space to think without constant messages. Some of you were trying to be helpful and I apreciate that but some of the abusive messages I received was terrible.
I'm updating for those who have asked for an update and were supportive to me. This will be my last post and I wont be posting again.
Firstly the deal with my dad is off the table. He couldn't even manage a week without overstepping my boundaries. So there will be no therapy sessions with him and I will remain no contact.
As you are all aware after speaking to my dad and agreeing a way forward and my conditions.
Keep Jane away from me Tell his kids to back off Don't pressure me or invade my space
It lasted all of 3 days. Everyone seemed happy I had "forgiven" my dad and told me so. My sister was excited I was willing to give him a chance and with some pressure I agreed to have dinner with just her and my dad.
When my sister and I arrived at the restaurant to meet our dad he was not alone. He had invited Jane, my grandparents his son and daughter. He got up and tried to hug me.
I immediately became upset asking why they were there. My dad told me that if we have any hope of repairing our relationship I had to accept Jane and my younger siblings. I told him he just broke our deal and to never contact me again and tried to leave. He refused to let me leave and grabbed hold of me.
When I say all hell broke loose I mean it. I started shouting at them. My Dad, Jane and grandparents tried to gaslight me and convince me to sit down when that didn't work things got very heated and a shouting match started and a lot of unforgivable things were said by my dad and Jane including remarks about my appearance and calling me a psychopath. My half brother walked out of the restaurant and my half sister started to cry.
My sister actually surprised me and defended me, shouting at my dad for ruining things after all this time when I had finally given him a chance. She even slapped Jane. She got me out of there and apologised to me. I think this was the first time she had really seen how Jane was with me and how she treat me. She kept saying she couldn't understand how dad had spent years saying he would do anything to have me back and then would do this when he finally got his chance to rebuild the relationship.
My dad has been trying to contact me but I have blocked him and refused to talk to him. I have also refused to speak to my grandparents. My dad has tried to convince my mom and sister to speak to me but I think he's burned his bridges with them.
The incident from the restaurant has spread and some people seem to be backing off. Like I said what my dad and Jane shouted at me was unforgiveable and they were overheard and this is a small town. Hopefully people will back off and those who won't Im going to have to cut them out.
My sister is very unhappy with my dad and Jane and not speaking to them. She is blaming them for me going no contact again. My sister is not letting them see her kids. I don't know if my sister will reconcile but right now she is furious. My mom is also furious and apparently had a few choice word with my dad and Jane and has promised she will never pressure me again to speak to him.
I am going to go to individual therapy I think I definitely need it. I do feel bad about my half siblings as they havnt done anything wrong and am maybe open to having a distanced kind of relationship with them in the future but I'm not ready yet or if I'll ever be. I did send them a message on Facebook to apologise and tell them they've done nothing wrong.
Lastly to update you all - in regards to my fiance well I spoke to him yesterday about everything I had been radio silent since walking out on him.
Basically he was pressured by his father to speak to my dad and was fed a sob story of a misunderstood father desperately wanting to be in his daughters life. Logan had become annoyed with me refusing to attend his family events and walking out of his mother's birthday party when I realised my dad and Jane was there as he was getting pressure from his family about me ruining their events.
He just wanted everyone to be happy and get along clearly at my expense.
Logan admitted my dad had paid for some of the vendors for the wedding but he did not know this until after it was already paid. His father had told Logan that him and his mom had paid. My dad had told Logan it was a gift and his way of contributing. Logan admitted my dad had asked him to speak to me on his behalf.
I told Logan he had betrayed my trust and I couldn't see myself marrying someone who does not support me. He broke down crying and apologising to me and promising to never do it again.Logan was heartbroken and begged for a 2nd chance.
To those of you who wanted me to break up with him, I'm sorry to disappoint you but we are going to try and work through this. Apart from this issue he had been the best partner and I genuinely think that he had been manipulated by his family and my dad. Logan has promised to stand up to his family and go no contact with my dad.
I'm still living at my moms as I still need some space which I wont have if I move home. We are going to contact our wedding vendors and see what our options are next week. Logan is begging for a postponement rather than cancel it altogether. We may still break up as actions speak louder than words and I need to see if he can rebuild what we had and show me I can trust and depend on him.
Relevant Comments
OOP on if she is able to change her contact information and what about Logan
OOP: There's no point changing my number when I've done this before he always manages to get it again.
As for L - breaking up is not off the table. I'm giving him a chance to show me he means what he says. I always thought I had a decent relationship with Ls family, but clearly not. I'm not asking him to go NC with them thats for him to decide. I'm certainly going to distance myself from them and any further incidents no contact.
As for any future children if we are still together I won't be trusting them with my children at all
Tom_A_F: I vote for cancelling the wedding. Dude's gotta put in some MAJOR work to be husband material.
OOP: Sorry, the wedding is getting cancelled if I wasn't clear in my post. L is begging for it to be postponed.
I'm going to be contacting the vendors to see what our options are about getting refunds or partial refunds.
I can't marry someone I dont trust, and a few months or a year is not going to change that or reassure me.
DISCLAIMER: OOP HAS UPDATED AFTER THE BoRU WAS POSTED
SO PER RULES UPDATE IS INCLUDED
Update #4 - May 4, 2024
Hi everyone I did not plan to make another update at all but I'm still getting messages for an update and thought I would let you know the recent developments.
Firstly I have cancelled the wedding I was able to get some partial refunds but have lost some money. Logan begged me not to cancel the wedding but there was no way I could marry him after what he did.
I was set on giving him a 2nd chance and he promised me he would go low contact and stand up to his parents and issue an ultimatum that we would not tolerate any contact with my dad and Jane. Basically he would tell them we would not attend any event or party if they were invited and we would not tolerate any attempt to force contact or relationship with my dad.
He met with them to explain this to them. When he came back from this meeting he was quite irritable with me and appeared to have had a change of heart to summarize it - he was trying to convince me his family only meant well and that he can't go low contact with his family because he loves them and he can't dictate their friendships. He then tried to convince me it won't be an issue in the future and his father would speak to my dad and tell him to be on his best behaviour in my presence.
As soon as I heard this people's comments went through my head and the main one being if we had children he would take them to his family where my dad and Jane would be and I would have no control over this. At that moment
I realised I couldn't trust Logan and never would be able to.
I broke up with him, he is not taking it well and keeps begging me to take him back and that he would go no contact with his family. His family and friends are trying to convince me on his behalf not to end our relationship. He has made his choice and proven to me he is spineless. I don't need him in my life.
In regards to my dad I'm looking into getting a restraining order given what happened in the restaurant I might be able to but i dont know yet a friend of mine is helping me look into this.
My dad has kept a low profile since last week apart from a couple of attempts to apologize to me I havnt heard much from him. My sister still won't speak to him or Jane. Unlike me my sister is highly confrontational and has blasted him and Jane on social media with what happened at the restaurant and things that have happened in the past which I didn't know about.
My sister and Jane had a very public screaming match when she had seen them in town due to my sisters posts and demanding to take them down it ended up with Jane assaulting my sister. My dad apparently sided with Jane in this. My sister now hates Jane and refuses to speak to our dad who is also trying to contact her.
My dad and Jane’s reputation seems to have taken a hit and between the incident in the restaurant and my sisters fight with Jane and het numerous Facebook posts about them, People are gossiping. This has worked well for me because some people have backed off which Im happy about unfortunately there are a few people still on his side including my ex's parents.
As for my half siblings there's not much of an update in regards to them.
I've found a therapist however there is a bit of a waiting list before I can start my therapy. I'm still living with my mom who is completely on my side and I have found a kitten and pick her up next week.
