“I (30M) work from home, my wife (25F) works in an office nearby.
Yesterday before heading to work my wife asked me to hang up the laundry that she’d done at some point during the day. I went and hung it all up, it was an absolute ton of washing that we’d both neglected, no problem. Fair enough. I carried on with my workday and got a text from her about being hungry and looking forward to dinner. I took one look at the kitchen and saw a mountain of dirty dishes and pans and stuff and just sighed to myself.
I cook for her almost every day of the week, the washing also gets left for me to hang otherwise it never gets done. The dishes are also left for me on top of the cooking, so before I can even cook I have to wash everything. Even if I cook, she won’t wash up, which is supposed to be the fair way to do things. I’ve tried bringing this up to her many times, gently and more firmly but regardless of what I say she gets defensive or complains she’s busy or tired or hates doing X chore.
But then it just means everything gets left to me. I’m so tired of feeling like all these things are purposely being left to the point where I’m forced into doing them. I don’t mind cooking or doing my fair share but why am I being left to do EVERYTHING?
I’ve ended up suggesting eating out or just ordering takeaway so many times because I can’t stomach the fact I’m doing all the work, it physically makes me feel ill with stress, shame, and frustration. I’ve had to empty the bins pretty much every time for the past 6 months too otherwise it just piles up and she starts just letting it fall out the top or even worse just scattering things around the bottom of the garbage can. I picked up 20! TWENTY! Rolled up tissues she’d used and thrown towards the garbage can, missed and just not bothered to pick up the other day. Her dirty clothes are all over the floor, so if I don’t put them in the machine they’ll just stay there until I inevitably have to hang them again.
Reaching my wit’s end. Yes I work from home, but I’m working, it doesn’t mean I do everything… She’ll come home, eat the food I cooked, go on her phone, sleep for like 12 hours, go to work and the cycle repeats. No attempt to help. I don’t get it. I’ve suggested buying a dishwasher and she hates the Idea because we’ll also need to clean that or it’ll never get emptied or something like that She came home last night, woke me up, and seemed angry that there was no dinner.
I told her that I was not doing everything and that if she wanted dinner then she could clean the dishes. She got majorly upset and accused me of “counting everything that we do”. She also said that “she never told me that I have to do it”. She stormed off to bed and we both went to sleep without food. She purposely slept on the opposite end of the bed to me.
This morning I woke up and it looks like she’s cooked food for herself and only herself at some point during the night.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your wife is both entitled and manipulative. She knows that you will eventually cave and do most all of the chores, which, quite frankly, you have done up until now. It is time for you to sit down and communicate some very reasonable boundaries where the division of chores is concerned. I would also add that you should demand that you guys attend marriage counseling to learn how to establish better communication and effecting boundaries and consequences for those boundaries being ignored.” Grannywine
Another User Comments:
“She’s defensive rather than curious and concerned about your feelings. Because of this, I would recommend couples therapy if you want to maintain a relationship with her. Is there anything difficult going on in her life? Is this unlike her? Is work stressful? If so then perhaps try to chat with her on a day she doesn’t have work. That said if you do not have children, perhaps evaluate what value you gain from this relationship. Does she contribute to your happiness?” HAND_HOOK_CAR_DOOR
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Not only is your wife not doing her fair share of housework but also she is disregarding your feelings on the matter. If she lived alone, she would have to do the chores that she is refusing to do now. Ann Landers used to tell similarly overworked wives to ask themselves: “Am I better off with him in my life or with him outside of it?” You should do the same.” Individual_Ad_9213
